Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Still holding strong to my views on "THE SCENE"

Over 15 years into the game, and certain things still get on my nerves. The cool kids and the Johnny-come-lately type of mother fuckers who show up, make some heavy observations, then try to crank the street creds knob to 11. These are the guys who drink pabst on a Friday night while scanning through old ass "In the Wind" magazines saying, "Bro, look at this rowdy mother fucker" while his homie gives himself a stick and poke tattoo of a dagger and the saying, "This machine kills Fascist" or something gnar to the gnar-gnar. These dudes buy filthy tweaker ass pans and knucks, pay another hipster to rip into the motor and get it running somewhat decent (but not too good, because they need it to breakdown for epic roadside repair stories and tweets) they use only the filthiest, and rarest of parts, nothing is cleaned or put together with any regards for over all aesthetics, as long as its sixties wacky style and not reliable or newer than 1970 something. They usually get featured in DiCE a few times, start a company that features black T's and vintage band shirts that their FIDM drop out girlfriends cut up and charge an extra 60 bucks for. They also sell beer koozies that say stuff about tits and pussies, or fuck you! type rowdiness.These jack-a-lopes are the funniest, because they literally go from zero to hero in a matter of years, just from hanging out at the right bars, and clanking booze with the right photographers, and bro-ing out to the same vintage beaver from playboy September of '72 while wearing jeans that they choose not to wash to smell the same way as their smelly friends.
Now for the "Babes" uprising, these broads are feeling super empowered because they can meet in a desert once a year and swing their tits around while singing Lana Del Rey. Did I mention they trailer their Honda rebel 250's from Texas to these So-Cal events because they actually don't know how to ride?!?!?! And if they do ride, their bikes are exactly the same as their scrawny boyfriends, but the rebel or xs 650 version. Funny part is, these Girls have boy bodies, and their boyfriends are built like 3rd world county girls who haven't eaten a carb in 3 years. What a neat juxtaposition! go Bruce Gender with your she-dick!
Now for my favorite, the "Go fund me" biker, these goof balls post their biker poetry on social media, with pictures of sunsets and close-ups of feathers and swap meet quality bone handle hunting knives, and write about how outrageous and rude they are when they pass through a bar somewhere in small town America, they pour beer on their heads and pop wheelies into juke boxes like Charlie Sheen in that shit 90's biker/cop movie. But luckily for us, they ride around on unreliable, unmaintained bikes with no brakes, and usually end up sliding head first into peoples cars or try to run a yellow with their slug ass bike and get t-boned, and because spooly fronts are the jam, they slam into shit because their juice-drum is comparable to dragging a stick. Best part about these rebel souls? they are so free from societies chains that they only work as a coffee shop barista long enough to fund their trips to grassroots chopper shows half way across the country, then get crushed up. So their homies post a "GO-Fund Me" for this crumbled up free spirit friend who has NO INSURANCE and asks all the internet social media friends to help their road dog out, because he's a good guy. Thank you internet biker for letting me live vicariously through you and your posts, thank you for your outlaw poetry, I cant wait to donate a huge portion of my check to your next bike that I get to read about you destroying! I hate having to work and have insurance and having to "go fund myself"
Anywho, this post was for documenting the evolution of bikers, I'm keeping tabs for future generations to read and see what these clowns were really about, PS- I wear skinny jeans and have a beard and also wear vans and eat gluten free humus while riding a fixie bike. I also wear a $130 levis jacket but that's because it fits oh-so nice and I saw Vin Diesel wearing one like it.

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